Social troubles in children, teens, and young adults
Humans are hardwired to be social, to cooperate, and to form friendships. If they're on the right path, social development starts in infancy, when babies are building relationships with their caregivers, and moves into childhood, as they're learning to communicate, interact with, and care about others. That foundation can support them in the tricky teen and pre-teen years, when social relationships are particularly important for self-confidence, sense of belonging, and overall well-being.
When your child, teen, or young adult doesn't or can't make social connections, it's painful for them and for you. It can also signal one of a range of underlying issues, such as developmental or learning differences, behavioral disorders, trauma, or anxiety.
Learn more about social troubles at your child’s age
Social troubles in early childhood (0–5 years)
Babies are born with only a sense of self, but their dependence on others requires them to start building their first social relationships. Over time, they begin understanding the actions, thoughts, and feelings of others and how those are impacted by their own actions, thoughts, and feelings.
The development process looks different for every child — even very young children display differences in social styles. Some are outgoing and thrive on social interactions, while others are more reserved and selective. When a young child struggles with social problems it could be related to developmental differences. They may not have the verbal or social skills to express their emotions or needs, or they could have difficulties understanding social cues or relating to other people. Some young children struggle to control their impulses or emotions. For example, they may push or bite other children or even adults.
What can I do?
To help your child learn to develop social skills and relationships, you can:
- Spend time with them, building your own strong relationship
- Model healthy social connections, spending time with and staying in contact with family and friends, especially in person
- Provide opportunities for your child to interact with others — playground visits, playdates, story times, etc.
- Be attentive to their social style — do they prefer one-on-one interactions or are they more comfortable with groups? Do they like physical activities or more low-key options?
- Talk to and observe your child to understand if they’re struggling to interact with others and why
- Demonstrate healthy ways to resolve conflicts
When should I be concerned?
If your young child’s social behavior differs significantly from other children of the same age, or if they develop sudden changes in their social skills, it’s appropriate to be concerned. You should seek professional help if your child:
- Seems more focused on objects than people
- Is withdrawn to the point of avoiding interactions with others
- Displays repetitive behaviors that seem unconscious or hard to control, such as tapping or fidgeting
- Lacks empathy — the ability to understand and care about the feelings of others
- Experiences frequent, severe outbursts and can’t be comforted
- Is aggressive
- Has been kicked out of daycare, preschool, or playdates for behavior issues
- Has harmed other children or animals
- Behaves in ways that cause you to avoid social situations
Where can I get help?
- Talk to your child’s doctor about your experience and for guidance
- Check in with your child’s preschool or daycare to get a better understanding of behavior there
- Contact Ohana at (831) OHANA01
If recommended, a mental health professional can do an assessment and provide treatment recommendations and strategies. Ohana uses a range of treatments that are based on evidence and experience. We know that no two families are alike and choose the best options for you, after an assessment of your child and family. Learn more about our treatment approaches.
Social troubles in school-age children (6-11 years old)
Children in this age group typically begin to have multiple friends and social groups. They’re building skills to get along with others, to share, take turns, and resolve disagreements. It’s normal to have occasional trouble navigating social relationships. School-age children can experience conflict within friend groups, and commonly alternate between being kind and being mean. While this behavior is painful to experience and to witness, it’s not always a sign that something is seriously wrong.
What can I do?
There are things you can do to help your child develop social abilities, and provide insight into their social well-being.
- Model healthy social connections, spending time with and staying in contact with family and friends, especially in person
- Understand that your child might have a different social style than you did at their age
- Talk to and observe your child to understand if they’re struggling to interact with others and why
- Ask questions without pressuring them to talk
- Avoid criticizing your child’s behavior or reactions
- Assure your child that you’re there if they need support
- Encourage participation in activities that interest them, such as clubs or sports
- Demonstrate healthy ways to resolve conflicts
- Limit screen time
When should I be concerned?
Your child may need help if they:
- Have a big shift in their social network
- Seem unable to develop or maintain friendships with children their age
- Avoid the lunchroom or the playground at school
- Don’t want to go to school
- Avoid or are not invited to parties, gatherings, or after-school activities
- Nearly always prefer solitary activities over spending time with friends or family
- Display withdrawn behavior
- Have difficulty regulating their emotions
- Have negative interactions with teachers or peers
- Get in trouble for fighting, pushing, or other aggressive behavior
Where can I get help?
- Talk to your child’s doctor about your experience and for guidance
- Talk with your child’s teacher and school counselor about your child’s behavior and experiences and whether the school has resources to help
- Contact Ohana at (831) OHANA01
If recommended, your child can be assessed by a mental health clinician who can help you identify the underlying causes of your child’s social problems and how to address them. Social problems can be a sign of a wide range of issues including bullying, social anxiety, a mood disorder like depression, a behavior disorder like attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, or a developmental disorder, like autism, or trauma.
Your clinician will spend time with you and your child, often together. Most of the work is with parents, teaching them strategies to help their child navigate social problems. As they get older, if it’s appropriate based on their diagnosis, individual or group therapy may help. Medication may also help, depending on the diagnosis and the severity of the child’s symptoms.
Ohana uses a range of treatments that are based on evidence and experience. We know that no two families are alike and choose the best options for you, after an assessment of your child and family. Learn more about our treatment approaches.
Social troubles in teens (12–18 years old) and young adults (19–25 years old)
Teenagers and young adults are usually drawn to social activity, partly driven by the phase of their brain development. For some, making and keeping friends easy. For many, it can be a minefield of peer pressure, parental pressure, exclusion, competition, and plain old meanness — in person and online. Young adults who have moved away from home for work or school may even be starting over, building new social networks in their new environments.
There are also ongoing shifts, as friend groups change and relationships begin and end. Some of these changes can seem like the end of the world when they are happening, but most young people manage to navigate them and keep moving.
What can I do?
You can support your teen or young adult by helping but not hovering. If you child seems to be struggling socially, try to:
- Talk with them to understand what they’re going through
- Ask questions without pressuring them to talk
- Avoid criticizing or minimizing your child’s behavior or reactions
- Let your child know that you’re there if they need support
- Understand that they might have a different social style than you did at their age
- Encourage (but don’t force) participation in structured activities
- Talk to them about peer pressure and ways they can navigate it
- Understand that your child might have a different social style than you did at their age; you may have been outgoing while they prefer to have a small, close-knit group of friends
When should I be concerned?
Some teens and young adults will share their struggles with friends and relationships with you, but others may be reluctant. You should seek professional help for your teen, or urge your young adult to seek professional help if they:
- Show a significant shift in behavior or social dynamics
- Seem to have few or no connections with other people
- Are being bullied
- Are disinterested or don’t find pleasure in activities they used to enjoy
- Display aggression, fighting, or violent behavior toward friends, family, or animals
- Express odd thoughts or behavior
- Talk about self-harm, suicide, or not wanting to be here
- Don’t engage in normal daily activities, such as school or work
- Fail to keep up with personal hygiene
- Are secretive or withdrawn
- Are interested in websites about violence, self-harm, or other disturbing content
Where can I get help?
- Your teen or young adult’s primary care doctor
- University mental health services, if your child is in college
- An employee assistance program (EAP), if your young adult has access through an employer
- Contact Ohana at (831) OHANA01
If recommended, your child can be assessed by a mental health clinician who can help identify the underlying causes of their social problems and how to address them. Social problems can be a sign of a wide range of issues including bullying, social anxiety, a mood disorder like depression, a behavior disorder like attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, or a developmental disorder, like autism, or trauma.
A diagnostic assessment for teens will include the input of parents. An assessment of a young adult could include parents, or if they have one, a partner. If treatment is recommended, it could include:
- Individual cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT)
- Individual CBT or interpersonal psychotherapy
- Social groups or group therapy oriented toward building social skills
- Medication
Ohana uses a range of treatments that are based on evidence and experience. We know that no two families are alike and choose the best options for you, after an assessment of your child and family. Learn more about our treatment approaches.
