Lack of empathy or understanding in children, teens, and young adults
While even toddlers can show concern for others, the elementary-school years are usually when children begin developing empathy — being aware of the feelings of others and imagining what it might be like to be in their position. That skill is a key ingredient in successful friendships and relationships and can have a major impact on success in school and work and in overall well-being. When children can understand or empathize with others, they can reduce conflicts and increase their capacity for kindness and caring. As they get older, children should increasingly be able to:
- Recognize feelings and emotions in themselves and others, like sadness, pain, or disappointment
- Understand that other people have different feelings and views than their own
- Put themselves in someone else’s place and imagine how that person might feel
- Control their own emotional responses
- Imagine what kind of action or response might help a person feel better
Developing empathy requires more support and encouragement for some children than others. If your child is showing little or no interest in understanding and caring about the feelings of others, professional help may be recommended.
Learn more about empathy and understanding at your child’s age
Lack of empathy or understanding in early childhood (0–5 years)
During this time, children are moving from a me-focused world to a growing awareness of others. Most will begin to display a basic instinct toward helping, or wanting to make someone who is sad or in pain feel better. A small percentage of children, however, may not recognize another person's pain, or they may struggle to imagine what another person is experiencing. If a friend falls, for example, an empathetic response would be to help them and ask if they’re OK. A child who hasn’t developed empathy skills might show no interest or concern or even laugh at their friend.
What can I do?
- Be a role model for empathetic behavior, showing concern for others
- Talk about your own feelings and emotions, letting your child know when something makes you sad, angry, happy, etc.
- Empathize with your child when they’re experiencing an emotion
- Talk about others’ feelings — for example, how a friend might feel if your child won’t share toys with them, and suggest how your child might show empathy toward the friend
- Read stories that have characters showing empathy toward each other and talk about them
- Use pretend-play situations to show empathy
When should I be concerned?
All children lack empathy from time to time, especially when they are upset. You should be concerned if your child shows a consistent lack of empathy or a sudden loss of empathy, especially along with other behaviors, such as:
- Cruelty to other people or animals
- Defiant behaviors
- Emotional outbursts
- Repetitive behaviors
- Withdrawn behaviors
Where can I get help?
- Talk to your child’s pediatrician about your experience and for guidance
- Talk with your child’s preschool or daycare to get a better understanding of behavior there
- Contact Ohana at (831) OHANA01
If recommended, a mental health professional can do an assessment and provide treatment recommendations and parenting strategies. Because young children can’t express themselves the way that older kids can, a clinician will spend most of the diagnostic process interviewing you. While some children are simply slower to develop empathy skills than others, in a small number this could also be a sign of difficulty with forming emotional attachments, a behavior disorder, autism, trauma, or another issue.
Ohana uses a range of treatments that are based on evidence and experience. We know that no two families are alike and choose the best options for you, after an assessment of your child and family. Learn more about our treatment approaches.
Lack of empathy or understanding in school-age children (6–11 years old)
In this age group, children are usually getting less self-centered and better at cooperating with others. As they learn more about their own emotions, they’re also identifying and understanding the feelings of others. They’re more likely to understand when someone they care about is upset, and to offer comfort.
When your school-age child seems to be struggling with empathy, it may be that they find it difficult to read other people's social cues or pain. Some children, especially those who have experienced trauma or difficulties with emotional attachments early on, have a hard time understanding other people's feelings.
What can I do?
- Model empathetic behavior by showing concern for others
- Talk about your own feelings and emotions, letting your child know when something makes you sad, angry, happy, etc.
- Empathize with your child when they’re experiencing an emotion
- Talk about others’ feelings — for example, how a friend might feel if your child ignores them, and suggest how your child might show empathy toward the friend
- If your child hurts someone’s feelings, excludes them, or causes some other slight, address it when it happens and talk about why they did it and how they can make the person feel better
- Consider an activity for you and your child or family that involves helping others, like collecting food or clothing for people in need
When should I be concerned?
While occasional lapses in empathy are normal for people of every age, seek help if your child:
- Displays a consistent lack or sudden loss of empathy
- Doesn’t express, understand, or respond to emotions in the same way as your other children or your child’s peers
- Shows cruelty to other people or animals
- Takes pleasure in others’ pain
- Has a lack of empathy in addition to other symptoms such as:
- Defiance
- Emotional outbursts
- Thoughts of revenge
- Obsessive or repetitive behaviors
- Withdrawn behavior
Where can I get help?
- Talk to your child’s pediatrician about your experience and for guidance
- Talk with your child’s school to get a better understanding of behavior there
- Contact Ohana at (831) OHANA01
If recommended, a mental health professional can do an assessment and provide treatment recommendations and parenting strategies. Because young children can’t express themselves the way that older kids can, a clinician will spend most of the diagnostic process interviewing you. While some children are simply slower to develop empathy skills than others, in a small number this could also be a sign of difficulty with forming emotional attachments, a behavior or personality disorder, autism, trauma, or another issue.
In general, the younger the child is, the less they will be the focus of treatment. As they get older, and if it’s appropriate based on their diagnosis, individual or group therapy may help. Medication may also help, depending on the diagnosis and the severity of the child’s symptoms.
Lack of empathy or understanding in teens (12–18 years old) and young adults (19–25 years old)
By the time a person reaches their teen years, they should have a good foundation for empathy — and more opportunity for growth. As their world widens, teens and young adults will encounter more people who are different from them, and who think differently. They’ll also likely be in more situations that can be painful to themselves or to others — socially, academically, in the workplace, etc.
Even with a good foundation for empathy, we all have moments when we’re not as empathetic as we could be, especially if we’re stressed or upset. If your teen is experiencing a rough adolescence, they may have less capacity for empathy.
What can I do?
To help refine and reinforce your teen’s or young adult’s empathy, you can:
- Continue to model empathetic behavior, with an openness to people who are different or think differently or who are experiencing challenges
- If they lack empathy toward someone, talk to them about putting themselves in that person’s place, to see how they would view the situation
- Acknowledge and be positive when they show empathy
- Talk to them about situations you become aware of in which they weren’t as empathetic as they could have been. Listen to their view and then talk about what could have been done differently
- Encourage your teen or young adult to take part in activities that help others, like volunteering
When should I be concerned?
If your teen or young adult has shown a significant shift in behavior, or if they seem to have no interest in the perspective or emotions of the people around them, it’s appropriate to be concerned. That’s especially true if your child doesn’t see their lack of empathy as a problem.
Seek help if your teen or young adult lacks empathy, especially if they demonstrate other symptoms, such as:
- Cruelty to other people or animals
- Less pleasure in activities they previously enjoyed
- Emotional outbursts
- Desire for vengeance
- Thoughts of self-harm, suicide, or not wanting to be here
- Inability to engage in normal daily activities, such as school or work
- Intrusive thoughts
- Neglect of personal hygiene
- Secretive behavior
- Taking pleasure in another’s pain
- Withdrawn behavior
- Visiting websites about violence, self-harm, or other disturbing content
Where can I get help?
Resources for seeking help include:
- Your teen or young adult’s primary care doctor
- School mental health services
- University mental health services, if your young adult is in college
- An employee assistance program (EAP), if your young adult has access through an employer
- Contact Ohana at (831) OHANA01
If assessment is recommended, a clinician will likely spend time with you and your teen separately. If your young adult is being assessed, they may see a clinician on their own, depending on their situation. The clinician will work with your teen, young adult, and you to try to determine the cause of their lack of empathy. It can be a sign of a more serious problem, such as a personality disorder, depression, autism, trauma, or substance use.
Recommendations for treatment will depend on the diagnosis, but may include individual psychotherapy, group psychotherapy, family-based work, or a combination of these. Medication may be part of the recommended treatment, depending on the diagnosis and severity of symptoms.
When your teen or young adult does not see their behavior as a problem, therapy may have limited benefit. Instead, working with the whole family may be helpful. Parents will learn about their teen or young adult’s condition and set appropriate limits and boundaries for acceptable behavior.
Ohana uses a range of treatments that are based on evidence and experience. We know that no two families are alike and choose the best options for you, after an assessment of your child and family. Learn more about our treatment approaches.
