Grief and loss in children, teens, and young adults
As much as you would like to shield your child from tragedy, illness, and loss, these are all part of being human. What you can do is provide support and tools to help your child understand and process these inevitable parts of life.
The ways children grieve depend on their relationship to the person who is ill, injured, or has died. There are other factors, too, including the child's developmental stage, personality, temperament, and family circumstances. Complicating all of this is the fact that you are probably dealing with the tragedy, illness, or loss, too. While navigating loss is a deeply personal process, it's also something that a family usually goes through together. Think about ways to grieve together and honor individual differences.
Learn more about grief and loss at your child's age
Grief and loss in early childhood (ages 0-5)
Babies, toddlers, and preschoolers may seem unconcerned about an illness or death in the family, sometimes continuing to act and play as usual. Despite that, they probably feel the effects of the change, even if they don't understand what is happening. If someone close to them is no longer there, they may experience feelings of insecurity, abandonment, sadness, and loss. If a child is old enough to love, they are old enough to grieve.
You should explain what is happening in the simplest words possible, appropriate to your child's age. Describe death in concrete ways ("the body stops working"). Use words such as "died"; rather than "passed away" or "lost." Preschoolers may be confused if you say someone has been lost; if someone is lost, your child may expect them to be found.
Some common changes your child may experience:
- Sadness and longing for the person who died
- Increased irritability, crying, and strong emotional reactions
- Clinginess
- Acts younger, resuming behaviors like thumb-sucking or bed-wetting
- Changes in sleeping and eating habits
- Physical complaints, such as stomachaches or headaches
What can I do?
- Reassure your child they will be safe and looked after. Keep them close to the loved ones and caregivers they trust
- When they're stressed, give them comfort items such as a favorite stuffed animal or blanket
- Stick to a daily routine and family rules as much as possible, to create a sense of security. (But allow for flexibility when needed)
- If your child has other care providers, let them know what is happening so they can be supportive
- Help children stay connected with a sick loved one by making a card or other artwork to give, seeing them on a video call, or setting up time together, if appropriate. At the same time, don't force them to do things they don't want to do, like visit the hospital
- Don't avoid talking about a deceased loved one; instead, share stories to keep memories alive
When should I be concerned?
While there's no right or wrong amount of time to grieve, you should be concerned if changes in your child's behavior:
- Last for an extended period
- Disrupt their daily life or family life
- Get more significant, such as ongoing unwillingness to eat or prolonged or increasingly frequent temper tantrums
Where can I get help?
Grief and loss in school-age children (ages 6-11)
By age 6, most children can understand illness and the finality of death. School-age children may ask a lot of questions about what happens to a person after dying. They may also engage in magical thinking about causing a death, which may make them feel guilty.
Some common changes in response to the illness or death of a loved one include:
- Sadness and longing for the person who died
- Increased irritability, crying, and strong emotional reactions
- Taking steps backward in their development, such as not wanting to sleep alone
- Changes in sleeping and eating habits
- Physical complaints, such as stomachaches or headaches
- Anxiety about the safety of people they love
- Withdrawal from usual activities
- Trouble concentrating
What can I do?
To help support your child during a time of tragedy, illness, or death:
- If possible, have the person closest to your child tell them the difficult news
- Acknowledge your child's feelings
- Reassure them that they will be safe and cared for. Keep them close to the loved ones and caregivers they trust
- Be truthful and timely when explaining illness and death
- Answer their questions. If you don't know the answer, let them know that you will find out and get back to them.
- If they have a comfort item like a favorite stuffed animal, give that to them when they are stressed
- Stick to a daily routine and family rules as much as possible, for a sense of security. (Be flexible when needed)
- Tell your child's teacher and care providers what is happening so they can be supportive
- In general, follow your child's lead regarding how much they want to know, do, see, and hear. Prepare them for what will take place. Give them choices when possible
- Help your child stay connected with their sick loved one by making a card or other artwork to give, seeing them on a video call, or setting up time together, if appropriate. At the same time, don't force them to do things they don't want to do, like visit the hospital
- Be a role model for healthy ways to express grief, including sharing feelings
- Help them find outlets for their grief through play, arts, sports, or talking with someone they trust
- If they'd like to be involved, include your child in funeral planning if. They can choose flowers or music, or do something to honor their loved one
- Don't avoid talking about a deceased loved one; instead, share stories to keep memories alive
When should I be concerned?
While there's no right or wrong length of time to grieve, you should be concerned if changes in your child's behavior:
- Last for an extended period
- Disrupt their daily life or family life
- Get more significant, such as an ongoing unwillingness to eat, go to school, or take part in activities, or prolonged inability to sleep
- Include violence, bullying, or uncontrolled anger
- Include isolation from friends and family
Where can I get help?
Grief and loss in teens (ages 12-18)
By age 12, children know that illness and death are part of life. They are increasingly able to analyze the consequences of what is happening and appreciate being included in conversations. The teen years are also a time of intense emotion, so they are likely to feel tragedy and loss deeply. They may not always express it, however, because they are also increasingly concerned about how others see them.
Since they are now becoming more independent, they may turn toward friends for support rather than family, but they still need their family to be there and to check in with them.
Some common responses to the illness or death of a loved one include:
- Sadness and longing for the person who died
- Increased irritability, crying, and strong emotional reactions
- Changes in sleeping and eating habits
- Physical complaints, such as stomachaches or headaches
- Anxiety about the safety of people they love
- Withdrawal from usual activities
- Isolation
- Trouble concentrating
- Increase in risk-taking behaviors
What can I do?
- Acknowledge their feelings
- In general, follow your teen's lead regarding how much they want to know, do, see, and hear. Prepare them for what will take place. Give them choices when possible
- Be truthful about a loved one's illness or death
- Answer their questions. If you don't know the answer, let them know that you will find out and get back to them.
- You may use medical terms to describe conditions, treatments, and stages of care, like "pancreatic cancer," "chemotherapy," and "hospice."
- Be available to listen to them and to talk about what they're feeling and experiencing
- Reassure them that they will be safe and looked after. Keep them close to the loved ones they trust
- Stick to a daily roue and family rules as much as possible, as this offers a sense of security. (Be flexible when needed)
- Let your teen's teacher know what is happening so that they can be supportive.
- Help your teen stay connected with their sick loved one by seeing them on a video call or in a visit, if appropriate. At the same time, don’t force them to do things they don't want to do, like visit the hospital
- Model healthy ways to express grief, including sharing feelings and coping strategies
- Help them find outlets for their grief through arts, sports, or talking with someone they trust
- Include them in funeral planning if they'd like to be involved. They can choose flowers, music, or do something else to honor their loved one
- Talk to them about not using drugs or alcohol to escape emotional pain. Help them figure out how to nurture themselves in healthy ways
- Don't avoid talking about a deceased loved one; instead, share stories to keep memories alive
When should I be concerned?
There’s no right or wrong length of time to grieve, but you should be concerned if changes in your teen’s behavior:
- Last for an extended period
- Disrupt their daily life or family life
- Get more significant, such as an ongoing unwillingness to eat, go to school, or take part in activities, or prolonged inability to sleep
- Include violence or uncontrolled anger
- Include self-isolation from friends and family
Where can I get help?
Grief and loss in young adults (ages 19-25)
Young adults are normally experiencing significant celebratory life events such as graduations, college, new careers, and weddings, for themselves and their peers. These events can feel bittersweet and painful if they are dealing with the worry of illness or the heaviness of grief. Young adults may also feel conflicted and guilty about their independence, caught between wanting to look after remaining family members at home and following their dreams elsewhere.
They may be experiencing:
- Sadness and longing for the person who died
- Anxiety about the safety of people they love
- Increased irritability and strong emotional reactions
- Changes in sleeping and eating habits
- Withdrawal from usual activities
- Reluctance to move ahead with life plans
What can I do?
- Acknowledge their feelings
- Be truthful about a loved one's illness or death
- Answer their questions. If you don't know the answer, let them know that you will find out and get back to them
- Use medical terms to describe conditions, treatments, and stages of care, like "pancreatic cancer," "chemotherapy," and "hospice."
- Be available to listen to them and to talk about what they're feeling and experiencing
- Model healthy ways to express grief, including sharing feelings and coping strategies
- Include them in funeral planning if they'd like to be involved. They can choose flowers, music, or do something to honor their loved one
- Don't avoid talking about a deceased loved one; instead, share stories to keep memories alive
- Talk to them about not using drugs or alcohol to escape emotional pain. Help them figure out how to nurture themselves in healthy ways
- Encourage and enable them to follow-through on their college, career, and other plans
When should I be concerned?
Everyone grieves in their own way and on their own schedule, but generally, you should be concerned about your young adult if their grief:
- Lasts for an extended period
- Disrupts their daily life
- Affects their physical health, including through prolonged changes in eating, sleeping, and exercising
- Includes violence or uncontrolled anger
- Includes self-isolation from friends and family
- Stops them from moving forward with their life plans
Where can I get help?
If your young adult has emotions and behaviors that are ongoing and affect their daily life and relationships, talk with them about seeking help right away. Among the potential paths they can choose for help:
- Talk with their primary care doctor
- If they are in college, seek university mental health services
- If they are working, connect with an employee assistance program (EAP), if one is available
- Contact Ohana at (831) OHANA01
