Anger in children, teens, and young adults
Nearly everyone gets angry some time, using this powerful emotion to express hostility or even rage. For younger children, it may be their way of telling you they want something, like a toy, or need something, like love or protection. School-age children express anger over things like fairness and frustration. And teens and young adults are wrestling with physical and biological changes, along with increased desire for independence from parents, that can contribute to outbursts and mood swings. Whatever the age or the driving forces, anger becomes a concern when it’s frequent, extreme, and distressing to others.
Learn more about anger at your child’s age
Anger in early childhood (0–5 years old)
Anger is a natural and developmentally appropriate emotion for infants and preschoolers as they learn to communicate their needs and feelings.
Young children act out because they don’t have the words or skills to express emotions or manage frustration. Impulsive outbursts are more common when a child is physically stressed (hungry, sleepy, or sick), or when their family is managing a challenge (financial strain or a parent’s illness). Sometimes these outbursts indicate an important need that is not being met, but just as often they may follow what seems to adults like an insignificant frustration.
Temper tantrums — fits of anger that may include screaming, stomping, hitting, or throwing themselves on the floor — often start at about 1 year of age. For preschoolers, it’s common to have several tantrums in a week. Usually, the frequency decreases by age 3 and children outgrow tantrums before kindergarten.
What can I do?
When your child expresses anger:
- Avoid yelling or harsh discipline
- Respond calmly
- Don’t try talking about feelings during a tantrum — it’s unlikely to help your child and might even teach them that a tantrum is an effective way to get a lot of attention
- Once they are calmer, spend time with them to be curious about what happened and to identify their feelings
- Reward healthier behavior with attention and praise
When should I be concerned?
While some angry outbursts can simply be a part of early childhood, you should seek professional help if:
- Your child has been removed from daycare, preschool, or play dates because of their anger
- They’ve harmed others (or you’re concerned they will)
- Their behavior happens in different situations rather than being driven by a specific stress, such as going to the dentist
- Your child experiences frequent, severe, long-lasting tantrums and can’t be comforted
- You don’t go out with your child because trips often end in yelling, crying, or fighting
- Your child’s behavior is causing you to feel depressed or worried
Where can I get help?
- Talk to your child’s pediatrician about your experience and for guidance
- Check with your child’s preschool or daycare for resources they may have to support you and your child
- Contact Ohana at (831) OHANA01
Friends and family may suggest a wait-and-see approach, saying that children usually outgrow troubling behavior. However, research and experience show that the longer a behavior is allowed to continue, the harder it is to change.
Treatment, if it’s recommended, will focus on working with parents — not because you’re doing something wrong but because special approaches are needed for very young children who have extreme emotional reactions.
The most successful ways to change aggressive behaviors include ignoring the behavior, calm discipline, and rewarding healthier behaviors with attention and praise.
Ohana uses a range of treatments that are based on evidence and experience. We know that no two families are alike and choose the best options for you, after an assessment of your child and family. Learn more about our treatment approaches.
Anger in school-age children (6–11 years old)
School-age children are learning how to express themselves, develop friendships, and interact with the outside world. It’s normal for them to feel angry from time to time, and even occasionally have angry outbursts. They may show frustration, disappointment, or annoyance when they struggle to master a new skill, lose a game, experience something that’s not fair, or are asked to do something they don’t want to do. This is especially true if they’re tired or hungry. However, by the time your child starts school, outbursts should be much less frequent and intense.
What can I do?
When your child expresses anger:
- Calmly respond to problem behaviors, such as hitting or biting
- Avoid yelling or harsh discipline
- Don’t try talking about feelings during an anger episode — It’s unlikely to help your child and might even teach them that a tantrum is an effective way to get attention
- See if you can help them find a way to calm themselves down
- Once they are calmer, spend time with them to be curious about what happened and help them identify their feelings
- Reward healthier behavior with attention and praise
- Serve as the role model through your own behavior when facing frustrations
When should I be concerned?
While expressions of anger are not unusual in school-age children, you should seek help if:
- Your child has temper tantrums after age 5
- Your child’s teacher says their behavior is disruptive
- Your child is harming themselves or others
- They’re excluded from birthday parties, play dates, and other social gatherings because of behavior
- Your child’s behavior causes you to feel depressed or worried
- Their behavior is disrupting life at home
- Your child’s outbursts are affecting their self-esteem
Where can I get help?
- Talk to your child’s pediatrician about your experience and for guidance
- Check with your child’s school for resources they may have to support you and your child
- Contact Ohana at (831) OHANA01
If needed, a mental health clinician can help you identify the underlying cause of your child’s anger. Many situations and conditions can lead to anger problems in school-age children and it is best to seek professional advice from someone that understands what these may be for your child. Your clinician will spend time with you and your child, usually together. At this age, effective treatments involve parents. A clinician can identify what may be reinforcing behaviors and help you re-establish calm so your child can eventually learn to handle frustration for themselves.
Ohana uses a range of treatments that are based on evidence and experience. We know that no two families are alike and choose the best options for you, after an assessment of your child and family. Learn more about our treatment approaches.
Anger in teens (12–18 years old) and young adults (19–25 years old)
Teens and young adults go through significant biological, social, and emotional changes. Testosterone and estrogen spike during puberty, and these hormones can influence teenagers’ emotional states, contributing to mood swings, overreactions, and outbursts. Perhaps more significantly, adolescence is the time when the limbic system — that part of the brain responsible for reward-driven behavior — comes fully online. This can lead to several years of feeling things very intensely, both good and bad. This intensity winds down in the mid-20s, when the brain's prefrontal cortex — that area responsible for planning, organizing, prioritizing, and delaying gratification — is fully mature.
What can I do?
To help your teen or young adult understand and learn to manage their anger:
- Be curious with them while respecting their new independence
- Validate their emotions with supportive statements
- Don’t try to have a conversation with them in the heat of the moment. None of us are good at processing when we are in midst of anger
- Once they are calm, come back to it from a curious and supportive stance to understand what was happening for them
- It is often easier to have this conversation in a non-confrontational setting such as when you are driving or taking a walk, not sitting across from them
- Ask them if they would like to hear about your experience of managing the struggles of adolescence or young adulthood. If they say no, respect that
When should I be concerned?
Many teenagers and young adults experience intense irritation, frustration, and anger. It’s important to seek help if your teen or young adult is:
- Angrier than usual for a prolonged period
- Participating in unsafe or illegal behavior
- Violent or aggressive
- Out of control
- Angry across many situations
- Causing you to feel depressed or worried
Where can I get help?
Resources for seeking help include:
- Your teen or young adult’s primary care doctor
- School mental health services
- University mental health services, if your young adult is in college
- An employee assistance program (EAP), if your young adult has access through an employer
- Contact Ohana at (831) OHANA01
If assessment is recommended, a clinician will likely spend time with you and your teen separately. If your young adult is being assessed, they may see a clinician on their own, depending on their situation. A diagnostic assessment includes the input of parents, even if most of the time is spent with the teen or young adult.
Your teen or young adult’s anger could be a sign of an anxiety disorder, a mood disorder such as bipolar disorder, drug or alcohol abuse, or an emerging thought disorder, such as schizophrenia. Symptoms of a personality disorder, such as borderline personality disorder, may emerge during adolescence, but can’t be formally diagnosed until adulthood.
Recommendations will depend on the diagnosis, but may include individual psychotherapy with an evidence-based treatment, such as cognitive behavioral therapy, interpersonal psychotherapy, or dialectical behavior therapy. Recommendations may also include group psychotherapy, family-based work, or a combination of these. Medication may be part of the recommended treatment, depending on the diagnosis and severity of symptoms.
Ohana uses a range of treatments that are based on evidence and experience. We know that no two families are alike and choose the best options for you, after an assessment of your child and family. Learn more about our treatment approaches.
